im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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