It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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