apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
