Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Randomize
