Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
