Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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