it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
