The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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