Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
