dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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