Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I did not marry a roomba.
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