Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
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