nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Randomize
