his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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