I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
