Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
