I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
