Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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