She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
