Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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