The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
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He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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