Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
