i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
