Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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