I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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