I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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