it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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