here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
