Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
