ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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