Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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