i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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