i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Someone came in the potted fern
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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