woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
