I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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