After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
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