you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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