The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize