I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
