u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Randomize
