Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
