mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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