I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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