take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
