I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
