You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Sober January is a disaster.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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