Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
