I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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