I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
