Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
