He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
