I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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