I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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