Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize
