I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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