I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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