god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
