i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
