I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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