I want to stick my p in your. b.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
where are my eyebrows?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I'm really busy with my period
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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