I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
