Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
